Hidden Brain Damage Scale
 

Of the many psychometric devices designed to measure the dimensions of human variation, the Hidden Brain Damage Scale stands alone as the only instrument capable of predicting preference for pimento loaf.  For this reason, and despite the sizable revenues that might accrue from the copyright, we offer the scale here for public consumption.  It was authored in a flurry of graduate school insight some years ago by Robin R. Vallacher, Christopher Gilbert, and myself.  Although a true-false format is recommended, we have found that many test-takers opt for the response of getting tangled up in the drapery.

  1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other. 
  2. I can't unclasp my hands. 
  3. I can wear my shirts as pants. 
  4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. 
  5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps. 
  6. I often mistake my hands for food. 
  7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones. 
  8. I never liked room temperature. 
  9. I line my pockets with hot cheese. 
  10. My throat is closer than it seems. 
  11. I can smell my nose hairs. 
  1 2. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts. 
  13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten. 
  14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. 
  15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all. 
  16. My patio is covered with a killer frost. 
  17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt. 
  18. I try to swallow at least three times a day. 
  19. My best friend is a social worker. 
  20. I've always known when to close my eyes. 
  21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight. 
  22. Little can be said for Luxembourg. 
  23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. 
  24. I walk this way because I have to. 
  25. Walls impede my progress. 
  26. I can't find all my marmots. 
  27. There's only one thing for me. 
  28. My uncle is as stupid as paste. 
  29. I can pet animals by the mouthful. 
  30. My toes are numbered. 
  31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite. 
  32. People tell me I'm deaf. 
  33. My beaver won't go near the water. 
  34. I can find my ears, but I have to look. 
  35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside. 
  36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress. 
  37. I don't like any of my loved ones.

        Vallacher, R. R., Gilbert, C., & Wegner, D. M. (1979).  The hidden brain damage scale. American Psychologist, 33, 192.